What they don’t tell you when you have a miscarriage

They don’t tell you that the moment you find out, you convince yourself that the ultrasound tech and doctor are wrong and they could find the heartbeat again if they tried hard enough.

They don’t tell you that you might not be able to call your husband to tell him what happened, because speaking the words would make it way too real.

They don’t tell you that you will likely go over every single decision you made during your pregnancy to try and figure out what you did wrong to cause this.

They don’t tell you that it will take a long time to believe everyone who said you didn’t do anything to cause this.

They don’t tell you that people will constantly ask you if you’re going to try again and that someone may even say, “but you ended it on such a bad note, so are you sure you don’t want to try again?”

They don’t tell you that sometimes you will want to scream that that was your baby and having another baby doesn’t just erase him/her.

They don’t tell you that you will wonder if it’s wrong to be so sad because everyone tells you, “it happens to so many people” like having your appendix removed or something. And that people will ask how far along you were and jump at the chance to tell you about someone else who was further along when it happened as if the span of time makes the loss any less of a loss.

They don’t tell you that you will then feel bad for getting so angry because people just don’t know what to say and don’t mean any harm by any of the comments; they just want you to feel better.

They don’t tell you that you will feel guilty when you talk about your kids, but don’t mention your angel baby. Sometimes you decide it’s better to just let it go so you don’t make anyone else uncomfortable, but know in your heart what you would have said.

They don’t tell you that you become a part of this club that nobody wanted to join. A club where you can find comfort knowing you’re not alone. A club filled with some who struggle in silence and some who talk about it every chance they get. A club where nobody has to say a word and everyone understands exactly how you feel.

And they don’t tell you that this is your new normal and you will find your own way, in your own time to honor your little one and yourself, even if that means writing a blog for others to relate to or even learn from.

Today, on Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, may we remember & honor all of our angel babies and all the mamas who continue living with a piece of their heart missing!

Photo by Cassie Rosch